I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what it means to be ready to start a relationship.  And the thinking isn’t coming all that easily.

To start I was going to make a list of why to date someone and what I’m really looking for in that special somebody and it clicked, I still have a lot to do for me.  I’ve been surfing youtube for dating tips and why you’re still single insights.  And then I started to really think about it.

They say 25 is when you are in your prime.  It’s my time to shine.  My goal is to be ready for the new year and by my birthday 12/30 to have opened up to new people and opened myself to an extended social circle.  I will create and commit to a complex support group.  Instead of knowing I will be there for you, I will forge a new question and approach.  Am I there for me?  Yes, I will be!

The truth is, maybe I haven’t been ready for a relationship because I haven’t committed to being me.  I still have a lot of work to do for me. With my mom boozing and my dad being cold, I didn’t learn the warm ways to build relationships.

Tough love is an understatement and in all this I have grown so close to my sister that I have been able to harness a warmth that I never had before.  It’s been life changing to be so close to her and care for her and about her.  We’re basically all we have.  And, I am ok with that.  It took many years to get there and putting distance between hearts that many people will never understand.  Lots of people love their parents and trust their advice.

This is not my experience, but that’s ok.  Having dealt with these issues and helping them pan out their own lives I lost focus on myself.  I had a couple bad relationships, one that I am still getting over.  I have let him take advantage of me.  We don’t date, we don’t talk on the phone but I allow him to have sex with me.  This is stopping.

So in making this lengthy post more short, and to start putting together some sort of list I think I need to make another list first.  I won’t be listing qualities of Mr. Right because how can I know about who I want until I know I am Ms. Right for me?

I am going to make a list of the things I do have in me and the reasons why I love me. I figure I will be able to start pinpointing the real me and why I am ready for a relationship or most likely why I am not.

The list, take # 1 -

I like:

The fact that I make time for myself to read books and research things that spark my interest.

My curly hair and the personality that comes with it.

That I am blunt and to the point.

How I smile and the way I dress.

I get things done when I set my mind to accomplish something.

I give back and that I am involved with my community.

I don’t put up with people that bring me down.

I set realistic expectations for myself and others.

I’m looking for a friend.  A pal.  A life-long buddy.

I’m looking for the person that I will call hubby.  You’re all cuddly and quiet.  Are you shy or just nervous?  Are you not that into me?

I passed the day.  Texted you around 3:30.  I don’t want to come on strong.

I’ve dropped you before.  Now, are you thinking I’m after your money?

I’m sorry honey.  I could care less about your money.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t hold it against you.  I like your teeth and your smile, your belly, your beard and all that’s missing are your whispers in my ear.

Call me sexy.  I want to be your lady.  Don’t think I’m crazy.  You know I am already.

Will you call me wifey?  Is that for what you are looking?  I can’t tell for sure.

You’re older, 31.  I’m almost 25.  Am I too young?  Is this crossing your mind?

I slept a lot last night.  You woke up this morning really early.

You probably overdressed. Wearing long sleeves and long socks.  It’s really nice out and sunny.

The winter has turned us pale.  Our hearts are red.  Mine is red and burning.  You said you’d text me when it was over.

Haven’t heard from you yet.  Did I come on too strong?  Are you not trusting me because you have money?

I don’t care about that.  Not one bit.  Not even a shrug.

I hope you ran hard and didn’t fall at the runner’s mercy.  Did you think about me after you finished?  Are you busy with Dennis having man’s day with the football marathon?

I took Einstein out and thought he could have been with me.  I think I like you.

I miss you already.

He’d had texted if he could.  I didn’t.  I texted you after midnight.  I was out.  He asked me to dinner.

We had plans.  I’m not tied to you.  Is that what you want?  Are you lonely?

I don’t think I can fill your hole.  I’ll probably see if you want to meet at the pond tomorrow for egg sandwiches.

How does that sound?

I can give it a go.  It’s called keeping options open.  Don’t be not open to it.  I don’t think you have anything to do.

I lied to you.  I wasn’t out with the family for dinner and a movie.

I had a movie night with him and dinner too.

Sorry I lied to you.  I don’t want to hurt you.  It’s not in me.

Am I leading you on?

I did lie to you.

We ate Greek food alright.  And we watched that movie.  I promised I’d return it.  I did that already.

The movie was really good and the food made our stomachs bubble sounding all turny.

I think I had a good night.

You, I’m pretty sure that you did too.  The kiss in the car, well that was kind of awkward.  I didn’t use my tongue.

Did you want me to?  I texted you good luck. Wished it to you again.  I bet you are already sleeping.  I hope you sleep well.

I don’t forget much.  I remembered you sleep in your contacts.  And that you were thinking about hiring Becky.  I knew about the trapped money you wait for in longing.

Did you think of me before you went to sleep?  Did you lay out the clothes all tidy and neat?

You keep the numbers after each race.  They are folded in your drawer, each tag the good waxy ones and the others each in their place.

The room is now divided in two.  Just like you wanted.  I really do hope you get it the way that you want it.

I’d like to think that tonight you got what you wanted.  I can’t be sure.  I hope you text me when it’s over like you promised.

I could say text me good morning.  But that just wouldn’t be honest.

Not to be negative.  But, do you really want to go?

Tell me if you don’t.  No need for an obligation.  You don’t seem that excited.  I can sense it on the phone.

I excused it earlier.  You were lying on the couch.  Sorry, I missed your call.  My phone didn’t ring.

I called you right back.  I’ll clean my car, and come get you.  The restaurant is on your side of town.  Does this make you feel more excited?

I put the pep in my voice.  I’m pretty excited.  I kind of like you.  Actually, I think you’re a real nice gent.

I thought you thought I was a nice lady.  Was I mistaken?  Are you not about it?

If not, make it clear.  I don’t want you to lead me on if you have not forgotten about her.  Am I not the type you’re after?  What can I do to make how I feel clear?

Hope you smile and we laugh.  Loosen up.  Don’t get too fancy.  I’ll see you soon.

I hope you get excited.

I invited you for a sofa session.  You denied the invitation.

I knew you didn’t want to go out.  It’s true that you don’t want college to be over.

I know this about you.  I deny this about you.

It’s not me you want.  You want someone new.

We shared a lot together.  I tell myself over and over that this was before.

Why we keep after it - chasing the rainbow’s end.  I know it’s not real. The bow is from a prism.  And, the prism is in your pocket.

I’m taking out my mirror.  You ready to catch this reflection?

Get your hands off of me.  I’m out of time pleading for your energy.  Your using, abusing and continually refusing.  You didn’t respond.  You’d rather hang around there.

You don’t pull on my hair.  You don’t tell me I’m pretty.

You do grab my waist when we meet at the party.  It’s an action always unplanned and caused by our drinking.

It’s just that I’m there and what’s left over.  To you, I’m the cheese crusted in the pizza box.  I’m not even the pepperoni.

I will try to forget you.  But, you may never leave my head.  And, you’ll never be by my side.

What have I been thinking?  Where did I go wrong?  Why did I lose sight of what I need?

I don’t need you.  I don’t need you in my thoughts.  Get out.

Welcome to my heart.  This is the exorcism.

Want to be my # 2?